okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
