I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
