So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
