Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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