so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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