i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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