TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
