you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
