My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
