i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
