If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
