there's paper in my vomit.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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