I didn't shave. On purpose
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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