After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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