OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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