my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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