i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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