i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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