Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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