Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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