So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
