Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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