hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
