i think i have herpe
just one?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
