Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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