I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
