you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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