I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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