my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
