can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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