Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
