Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
