You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
