I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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