I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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