Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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