I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
