textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
