I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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