I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
