He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
