i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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