I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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