I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
