All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
