In the future we'll all be gay
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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