I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
