no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
