i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
