she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
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i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
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So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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