And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize