I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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