i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
