hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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