I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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