I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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