You're completely useless in the revolution.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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