god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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