Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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