i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize