So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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