honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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